P.S. I Love You

 

I’m one of those people who tends to hold things in. I’ve worked on this lately – especially the past 6 or so years. I’m improving, but I still struggle with it.

There’s nothing worse than that moment when you feel those emotions surface when you least expect them to…. and then they explode all over the people around you. You don’t even see it coming. If you’re one of those type of people who are very good at expressing your feelings, you won’t understand. Believe me, it surprises me as much as it does the person who witnesses it!

fireworks

That moment when your emotions explode… Yes, this is what it feels like! (Pic taken in Cicero, IN)

So, that unexpected moment happened this weekend. It came at the worst time. Before I knew it – words that I regretted came out of my mouth. As you know, you can’t click a delete button and make it all disappear.

Why?

Here’s part of my story. My brother lives states away from me. He is seven years younger than I am, single, happy in so many ways, struggling, and is mentally challenged. Our parents are both gone, so I am the only family he has. When he needs money, I’m his go-to, not that I have a lot to give.

I don’t mind helping, but what hurts is that he only calls or sends text messages when he needs help. No “Hi, Teri! How are you?” It starts out with a hint:

HIS TEXT: 60 dollars is a lot of money. 

MINE: What do you mean? What for?

HIS: I need grocery money. 

MINE: When do you get paid?

HIS: 1 week. I don’t have any food.

HIS: I went to Alabama with a friend last week. It was fun!

MINE: Do you think that was a good idea since money is so tight?

HIS: But I didn’t drive.

MINE: (Crickets.)

This is when I want to go into parent mode and remind him that he doesn’t get paid when he takes a vacation, but I stopped doing so because it just doesn’t work with him. When I do, he gets angry, calls me names, and then blocks me from responding. Beyond frustrating.

He loves me and acts like life is good when he gets the answer he wants, but I’m the scum of the earth when I can’t. No exaggeration. I’ve had strangers call me because he has told them I won’t help – then gives them my number. Ugh!

When we went to church last night, something that was mentioned during worship made me think about how often I talk to God like my brother talks to me. Very humbling. I don’t call God names or block him, but my attitude and emotions reveal how selfish I can be when I don’t get the answer I want – when I want it.  Sometimes I go to him, asking and asking – forgetting to start my conversation by telling him how much I love him, adore him, and how grateful I am that I have him in my life. All of those things said are true, so why don’t I say them?

When’s the last time you told someone how much he or she means to you? Or, sent up a prayer, just to say I love you? Bonus: Without expecting anything in return.

As far as  keeping my emotions buried deal, I’m a work in progress. Aren’t we all? If you struggle with the same thing, don’t give up. Don’t use the excuse that you have to be strong. There isn’t a good excuse, really. Burying them just delays dealing with them.

P.S. I love you, but God loves you more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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